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Gifts for all occasions in the Galleria! The "What is the Deal?" Deal-of-the-Week: Snow and Ski Getaways January 16, 2005 What is the Deal with Ted Kennedy? By Jan A. Larson Ted Kennedy, long-time Massachusetts Senator and one-time presidential candidate, has become a spokesman for the left-wing conspiracy theorists. The Senator was at it again last week in a speech at the National Press Club. Kennedy, who made the assertion that the reason for the war in Iraq "was made up in Texas," is now claiming that the President is planning to cut Social Security benefits by 33 percent. I would ask what the Senator had been smoking, but in this case, it is probably more appropriate to ask what the Senator had been drinking. For the record, the President is proposing a plan that will save the Social Security system from having to cut benefits by 32 percent beginning in 2078, as projected by Social Security Board of Trustees. Of course the Senator would never let a minor detail like this get in the way of good rhetoric. Ever the socialist, Senator Kennedy used the opportunity in front of the National Press Club to propose a number of utopian solutions to a vast array of America's problems: * Reduce dependence on foreign oil by investing in clean energy. * Invest in new schools. * Invest in research and development. * Invest in broadband technology. * Invest in mass transit. The key to all of these "investments" of course, is to raise taxes. The Senator has never met an investment he didn't like, especially when it means that you and I will pay for it. Perhaps the most socialistic proposal of all was the Senator's idea to expand Medicare into a program called "Medicare for All." Paid for by payroll taxes and general revenues, of course, but partially offset, according to the Senator, by the "hundreds of billions" of dollars saved by moving to electronic medical records. Sure sounds great, doesn't it? Something that they would certainly have in Utopia, I'm sure. The Senator, turning to his vast experience in climatology, called upon Americans to stop the right-wing pseudo-scientific "nonsense" and demand action to decrease global warming. Ironically, global warming is one area in which pseudo-science seems to most prevail over real science and the Senator has clearly bought into it. Scare tactics are apparently not beyond the scope of the Senator's rhetorical repertoire. He also insisted that the administration not be allowed to turn the Environmental Protection Agency into the Environmental Pollution Agency. Isn't that clever? Left to his own devices, I'm sure the President will foul our waters and darken our skies with soot. Senator Kennedy wasn't shy in stating his desire for a progressive society. The word "progressive" was mentioned no less than 10 times in his address. I find it offensive that a positive sounding word such as "progressive" has been hijacked by the left wing and is now used to simply mask their true goals of a socialistic society. The Senator's speech would have had a different meaning to most in the audience if "progressive" were changed to "socialistic," although the true meaning is one and the same. The Senator addressed education by proposing to guarantee every high school graduate the cost of earning a college degree (presumably tuition plus fees, books, room and board although the Senator did not elaborate). To put icing on the college cake, he proposed free tuition for students pursuing graduate degrees in math and science, although this would be restricted to include only "needy" students. I guess there is no need to encourage non-needy students to pursue advanced degrees in math and science. Strangely, the Senator proposed free undergraduate tuition for any young person willing to serve as a math or science teacher for four years. It is unlikely that anyone would sign up to this deal since their college degree is already going to be free. I assume his speechwriter simply forgot to remove that part during the editing process. Senator Kennedy, miracle worker that he is, sent the audience into a frenzy when, after detailing his free-college-for-everyone plan, said that his plan wouldn't add a "single penny" to the deficit! All that is required is to empower colleges to negotiate better deals with student loan providers. Amazing. It just isn't clear to me where student loan providers will fit into this plan at all given that everything is going to be free. Who is going to need a student loan? Oh well, I guess the details can be worked out later. Having laid out plans for education, the Senator turned to business issues. After stating that the "free market is not free," Senator Kennedy proposed the following free market reforms: * Allow employees more time for their families, more time for their children's schools and more time to do volunteer work. * Mandate companies to give at least seven days of paid sick leave per years. * Tax breaks for companies that "create good jobs with good benefits" and penalize those that don't. * Raise the minimum wage. Of course none of these proposals have anything to do with the free market other than to stifle it. Senator Kennedy's nonsensical, partisan rhetoric has become inanely comical. His rambling diatribes, such as delivered last week, contain a lot of feel-good fluff but nothing constructive. He no longer can offer real solutions to today's problems, but continues to pump out meaningless, unworkable, impractical, ridiculous, partisan bombast. I don't know if the years of tragedy and booze have finally taken their toll, but please Senator, if you're reading this (and I'm sure you are), I implore you to please stay away from the microphones and consider retiring to the Kennedy Compound where you can have some nice oatmeal for breakfast and spend every day fishing. Your contributions in Washington are no longer worthwhile and do not serve to make things better in America, comic relief notwithstanding. -- Send feedback to the author. The "What is the Deal?" column will appears weekly on the Pie of Knowledge website. Guest submissions are welcome and encouraged. To submit an article to "What is the Deal?" click here. To subscribe to the "What is the Deal?" mailing list and receive early notification when a new column is available, click here. The Pie of Knowledge will never, ever divulge email addresses to any third party for any reason unless so ordered by a court of law. 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